What is

Reflecting after watching “The Great Gatsby” – a romantic drama. A tragic ending. A deep movie.

Been wondering what am I to Leroy. Said that he loves me, but he doesn’t seem to be able to accept my past. We all have past. Some glorifying, some not so. I chose to reveal the not so honourable side of me. I hope for him to see all of me, even the ugly side. I chose to do this, unlike many people who felt that their past is no longer relevant because its history. On the contrary, I think that the past is what moulds a person into who he or she is today. All that experiences are part of us. It will change the choices and the paths we take today and in the future.

I told him everything – my childhood, scandals, insecurity and perspective towards life. It was all too ridiculous to him. I am impossible. At first sight, I appeared to be someone full of confidence, mature, sensible and attractive. I was almost perfect in his eyes. Time passes, and as he got to know more, he became unacceptable towards me. Many times, I was verbally insulted. I felt so small, almost like a gravel particle standing next to him and his family. I have never felt so bad about myself. It felt as though I have committed adultery. I felt despised. Looked down upon by the man I love.

From the moment he knew about all these, starting from my scandals, I felt like he was with me only for the companion and sexual needs. I didn’t think that he can still look at me from the same light ever again. I can tell that he was struggling to like me as a new person – the new identity that was uncovered by the truth.

As the relationship proceeds, we made love more and more often. Slowly, I can see myself married to him – spiritually. But this feeling was not mutual. What I would hope to see in him is the desire to provide the best for me. To make me feel like I’m the one person on earth that is indispensable to him.

To be honest, I don’t feel that he’s indispensable to me – but I was building a shield between us. I did not want to allow myself to plunge in if I don’t feel the same from him. I have already given everything to this man. This bit of heartbreak is the only thing I can save myself from.

Perhaps this is life for some people – that when one committed a mistake, one would be unpardonable. One would be tainted for life. One would not rise up to deserve the good things in life anymore.

I ponder deep. What is life to me? A constant journey to find that someone who will heal your soul? Or is that an idealistic thinking? Have I been into romance so much so that it has clouded my senses? Is there such an existing person?

Sometimes, it felt I was meant to be a lone star.