What is

Reflecting after watching “The Great Gatsby” – a romantic drama. A tragic ending. A deep movie.

Been wondering what am I to Leroy. Said that he loves me, but he doesn’t seem to be able to accept my past. We all have past. Some glorifying, some not so. I chose to reveal the not so honourable side of me. I hope for him to see all of me, even the ugly side. I chose to do this, unlike many people who felt that their past is no longer relevant because its history. On the contrary, I think that the past is what moulds a person into who he or she is today. All that experiences are part of us. It will change the choices and the paths we take today and in the future.

I told him everything – my childhood, scandals, insecurity and perspective towards life. It was all too ridiculous to him. I am impossible. At first sight, I appeared to be someone full of confidence, mature, sensible and attractive. I was almost perfect in his eyes. Time passes, and as he got to know more, he became unacceptable towards me. Many times, I was verbally insulted. I felt so small, almost like a gravel particle standing next to him and his family. I have never felt so bad about myself. It felt as though I have committed adultery. I felt despised. Looked down upon by the man I love.

From the moment he knew about all these, starting from my scandals, I felt like he was with me only for the companion and sexual needs. I didn’t think that he can still look at me from the same light ever again. I can tell that he was struggling to like me as a new person – the new identity that was uncovered by the truth.

As the relationship proceeds, we made love more and more often. Slowly, I can see myself married to him – spiritually. But this feeling was not mutual. What I would hope to see in him is the desire to provide the best for me. To make me feel like I’m the one person on earth that is indispensable to him.

To be honest, I don’t feel that he’s indispensable to me – but I was building a shield between us. I did not want to allow myself to plunge in if I don’t feel the same from him. I have already given everything to this man. This bit of heartbreak is the only thing I can save myself from.

Perhaps this is life for some people – that when one committed a mistake, one would be unpardonable. One would be tainted for life. One would not rise up to deserve the good things in life anymore.

I ponder deep. What is life to me? A constant journey to find that someone who will heal your soul? Or is that an idealistic thinking? Have I been into romance so much so that it has clouded my senses? Is there such an existing person?

Sometimes, it felt I was meant to be a lone star.  

First Post from Kaoshiung

Decided to revive this blog after such a long time. I can hear her calling out for me, grabbing for my attention. Attended Exploration of Human Life Ethics classes yesterday, so my dormant brain is pretty warmed up for though-provoking issues. After all the travelling and continuous eating, my body & brain is slowly switching to an unhealthy state of "so long I'm happy, I don't have to re-examine about my life"

During the class, pictures of adorable babies were flashed over the projector. I was reminded of all the happy moments I have experienced in my life, & that life is an awesome journey with so many different things to touch, feel, hear & see.

But do we always feel so that way? Unfortunately, no. Humans are not perfect creatures, & we are always hungry for more. This flaw has been in our blood right from the olden days. If we are not greedy, would the serpent have succeeded in tempting Adam & Eve into eating from the forbidden tree?

We humans, tend to err. This trait alone, is sufficient enough for us to look back at out life & improve on our quality of life, repent on our mistakes & most importantly, not to commit the same error again. Like what Sorcrates said, " An unexamined life is not worth living." I can't agree more with that.

To examine our life, it meant to make changes & fine tune our life, to live a quality life. But what defines a quality life? It's all subjective. In my opinion, experience & discover life. Be curious about everything. Open ur perception to everything. Learn everything that passes through ur hand. Be kind to people & don't judge them easily. And for me, I still have so much more to improve on.

When alcohol doesnt help anymore

i thought that everthing will be over once I've forgotten bout him
Yes, I succeeded in doin that, only to realise that another "him" has surfaced
I dont ask for anyone, I dont need anyone to love or protect me
I only ask for my heart to be subtle
I need no additional person in my love
I only want peace

Just one person

yeah
tat is a promise
haha
u come back i confirm will celebrate with u
haha
till then stay cheerful k
haha
hope u are feeling better now
haha
cheeers man
i go slp le
haha
night

Seriously, one word, one sentence from him outwin the whole lot of comforting speech by others

Like weng said, Just *** * *** can seriously make u smile

I keep telling myself to draw the line but i cant

Someone fly to Perth and slap me aye?

Revelation

Wonder if I have a serious flaw in my character
I get people ps-ing me for housing and for modules enrolment - its okay
they are all new friends after all and prolly dont care much about me
but its strange when u get the same treatment from good friends
feeding u with all these last minute information, standing u up, etc
relationship wise, being treated like a toy - alright i resigned to that though i know better than anyone else I have put in my whole heart and soul
frienship wise, more than just my heart and soul, but every bit of me, to render any help if needed, staying up to listen to the rants, all the grievances. I've done every bit I could to make them feel better.
I dont know what more can I do to make myself a more worthy friend - a friend that can be taken seriously for
It's so disappointing and hurtful to get all these at the end of the day
I dont deserve the best, but I definitely dont deserve the worst
How much do I actually worth in people's heart
Maybe Im the one who is fucked up, not anyone else

Fields of gold

My interpretation

it’s about courtship, some mistakes along the way, forgiveness, marriage, growing old

It was during summer, when the west wind was blowing. It was the time where they met – in the barley fields. Whenever the west wind blows, she will be reminded of him. They’ve had their share of joy during that summer. She longed for him to stay in the fields and spend the rest of their life together. He’s disappointed her in the past, but is determined to be with her for the rest of his life. Many years later, they had kids and were leading a tranquil and peaceful life in the barley fields where they first met. This happiness so real that even heaven is jealous of this ordinary pair of beings.

Welcome gal

Its true that people from the real world fend for temselves only
Rather being unkind to them, tit for tat, I'll still prefer being nice
Not for gratitude, but it makes me feel better
Today was a disappointing day
Exchange friends werent being too friendly
Slp away this awful day!

Perth Summer Tours

Alright, this blog is gonna be my personal blog, way different from what lettersfromdownunder are meant to be.

I'm so glad that neo actually texted me to wish my hapy cny, and later on another email, cos i've already go to bed.

I'm waiting for the arrival of his letter! All the way from Spore! Happy! (: